


The Trouble with Technology (Or: Why Jack Harkness Should Never Be Allowed to Touch Anything)

by SelenaTerna



Series: Human AUs [5]
Category: Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Based on a True Story, Doctor!Doctor, F/M, Fluff, Human AU, Humour, Jack being Jack, Jack is a Doofus, Jackie being Jackie, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, honestly, with embellishments
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-16
Updated: 2020-08-16
Packaged: 2021-03-05 23:02:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,425
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25933321
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SelenaTerna/pseuds/SelenaTerna
Summary: Rose has moved into a new flat, and her mum pays a visit. Madness ensues when one of her neighbours, Jack, decides to play with the intercom and another neighbour gets caught in the crossfire.
Relationships: Ninth Doctor/Rose Tyler
Series: Human AUs [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1877833
Comments: 38
Kudos: 86





	The Trouble with Technology (Or: Why Jack Harkness Should Never Be Allowed to Touch Anything)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [goingtothetardis](https://archiveofourown.org/users/goingtothetardis/gifts), [chiaroscuroverse](https://archiveofourown.org/users/chiaroscuroverse/gifts).



> Well look at this! Two fics in three days! My muse cooperating! It's official, the Apocalypse is coming. This is another one that I've had in the back of my head for months, and, like the last, is based on true events. Several months ago, goingtothetardis was telling me about a new doorbell she'd had installed which had, among other things, a camera and intercom linked to her mobile and her husband's. Her husband was away at the time. One day her neighbour stopped by to chat, and when he left, Heidi heard a creepy voice coming from the intercom whispering "Show me your boobies" (her husband, of course). Naturally, as soon as she told me, my first thought was JACK HARKNESS. Has to be Jack, with Nine and Rose. And of course, both she and Chiaroscuroverse egged me on. So the idea for this fic was born. Now, months after the fact, here it is.
> 
> Thanks to Rose__Nebula for the read through and the help brainstorming titles. And now, on with the show!

“Rose!”

Looking up from the groceries she was juggling, Rose had barely a moment to blink before she was enveloped in a bone-crushing hug. “Hi mum.”

“Oh it’s so good to see you.” Jackie sniffed. “I’ve missed you.”

“Mum, I’ve only been here three months and you’ve come by most days.” Rose huffed. “We had dinner yesterday!”

“‘S not the same.” Jackie sniffed. “You’re not a quick walk down the way anymore, now that you’ve moved to another bleedin’ city.”

She sighed, shifting to lean against the wall of her building. Her mother had been adamantly opposed to Rose moving out of her small Peckham studio to a small flat in Shoreditch. “Mum, you’re literally half an hour from here by Tube!” 

“Exactly! By _Tube!_ ” Jackie sniffled and dug into her tracksuit pocket for a tissue. “You were a five minute walk away before and now you’ve gone and moved to bleedin’ Siberia.” Jackie gestured wildly at the block of flats behind them. “You just couldn’t wait to leave the Estate an’ all behind, now that you’re all cultured and poshed up. Knew that posh gallery job would give you airs and graces.”

“Oh come on!” Rose protested. “You know I only moved because a place came up close to work! The gallery’s only ten minutes round the corner.”

Jackie sniffed. “You just wanted to live near your new posh friends!”

“What are you on about? The only people I know in Shoreditch are my flatmates!” She shrugged. “Well, housemates.”

“Don’t remind me about _them_.” Jackie scowled. “Two older blokes living with a couple of young girls- it’s not right, if you ask me.”

“Mum,” Rose sighed. “You know Jack’s in his mid thirties, an’ James is in his late thirties! They’re both younger than you! And Gwenyth and I are both nearly _in_ our thirties.”

“Well, still!”

“And you know the house is split into four little flats! I have my own kitchen and bath, and the only thing we share is the laundy. We all have our own space.”

“Still.” Jackie sniffed. “I don’t like it- ‘specially that big-eared James. I don’t trust the way he looks at you. Always starin’.”

Rose rolled her eyes. “You’re just mad he wasn’t playin’ when you tried to pull him.”

“You watch your mouth, madam!” Jacke glared. “You’re not too old to be put over my knee.”

“Come off it, mum, I saw the whole thing.” Rose shifted the groceries and cocked an eyebrow. “You had him pinned to my kitchen counter and were goin’ on about _strange men_ and _anythin’ happening.”_

“I never!” Jackie tugged at her tracksuit. “Was just introducing myself, is all.”

“With your chest?” Rose snorted. “That’s a new one, I’ll give you that.”

“The cheek of you!” 

“An’ when he managed to slide out and ran for the door, you turned on him. Now you’re always on at ‘im.”

“I’m not!” Jackie huffed. “I just want you to be safe, is all.”

“Well, I am. There’s a million locks to this place, a doorbell intercom linked to our phones and you can’t get in without a key. And that’s just to get in the front door. My flat has a key, two locks and a deadbolt. Mr Wilson takes care of us.”

“It’s the danger _inside_ I’m worried about.” Her mother glared, folding her arms.

“There’s no danger inside!”

“So you say.” Jackie’s eyes narrowed. “With that old lecher about, though…”

“Mum, stop that! He’s not a lecher, he’s not old, an’ he’s not put a foot wrong! He’s a nice, decent bloke, and keeps himself to himself, unless you talk to him first.”

“What do you even know about him?”

“He’s thirty-eight years old, a doctor, a _surgeon,_ at that, served in the army for ten years as a field surgeon until he was medically discharged for injuries sustained in the line of duty. They gave him a CGC.” Rose raised an eyebrow. “That’s a Conspicuous Gallantry Cross, in case you didn’t know.”

“Yeah, alright, you know his bloomin’ CV- but what do you know about _him_ , what kind of bloke he is?” Jackie glared. “There’s lots of blokes with honours comin’ out their backside who could make Jack the Ripper look like a saint.”

“Oh, for heaven’s sake, mum!” Rose took a deep breath to calm herself. “He’s single, has a sister named Donna and both his parents are dead. His criminal record check came up squeaky clean _and_ he put Mr. Wilson in touch with women he’s worked with to vouch for his character! ‘Sides, Martha is one of the junior doctors workin’ under him and she sings his praises from here to Sunday!” Rose narrowed her eyes. “You _know_ Martha, she’s been datin’ Mickey for months. You reckon she’d vouch for a creeper?”

“Well.” Jackie dropped her arms and fiddled with her jacket. “S’pose not. But you can’t blame me for worryin’ Rose.” She sniffled. “You’re all I’ve got.”

Rose sighed. “Mum, you’re actin’ like I’ve gone and moved to France- I’m just half an hour away, in a good, safe place close to my job! Did you really want me to keep gettin’ the Tube in the dark to get home?”

“S’pose not,” Jackie sighed. “But still, I miss havin’ you close by.”

“You can come an’ visit anytime, mum! An’ I still come for Sunday lunch, don’t I?”

“Yeah.” Jackie cleared her throat. “How d’you know so much about Captain Big Ears, anyway? Thought you said he kept himself to himself.”

“Stop callin’ him that, mum!” Rose shushed her, looking around hastily. “Leave him alone. And he wasn’t a captain- he was a lieutenant colonel when he retired.”

Jackie raised an eyebrow. “Fancy ‘im, do we?”

“Oh come off it, mum!” Rose blushed, in spite of herself. “Is that your answer to everything? He’s a nice bloke, a _good_ bloke and I don’t want you bad-mouthing him, that’s all.”

“You didn’t answer my question.” Jackie folded her arms. “How do you know so much about him if he stays out of your way so much?”

Rose shrugged. “He offered to help me move my new furniture in and set it up, my first week.”

“Oh did he now?” Jackie snorted. “I’ll just bet he was dyin’ to _help_.”

“Mum,” Rose sighed. “Seriously, drop it. He’s a nice, decent bloke who helped me out, an’ I won’t have you talkin’ rubbish about him, alright?”

“Like that, is it,?” Her mother scoffed as she walked a few steps to the side to peer at the shop next door. “Nice bloke, my arse. An’ you wonder why I’m worried about the creeps inside!”

“Oh my God mum, for the hundredth time!” Rose growled. “There. Is. No. Danger! And there are no creeps in my house, got it?”

_“Rooooose…”_

Rose blinked at the ghost-like voice. “What was that?”

Jackie looked around. “I dunno, sounds close by, whoever it is.”

_“Rooooosie…”_

“Oh God.” Rose knew _that_ voice and she was very, very scared. “It...it’s the intercom.”

“What?”

She cleared her throat. “We can talk to the people out here, _mum_. On our phones. To see who it is. _MUM,_ ” she added loudly and desperately, hoping Jack would take the hint.

“ _Sexilicious Rosieeeee…”_

“It’s not...it’s just a joke.” She smiled weakly. “A prank, yeah? Nothing creepy here.”

_“Show me your boobies...”_

“Oh my Lord!” Jackie screeched. “Told you I was right to worry! What kind of perverts are you living with?”

 _“Sexilcious boobiesssss…”_ the voice giggled.

“Oh my God, JACK! Stop it Jack!” Rose shouted. “My mum is here, for cryin’ out loud!”

The voice stopped. “Uh-oh.”

“Uh-oh?” Jackie screeched. “I’ll give you _uh-oh_ , you bloomin’ pervert!”

“What’s goin’ on our here?” A voice in Northern tones chimed in, and Rose turned to see Doctor James McCrimmonn poking his head out the door. 

“Oh no,” Rose gulped. “This is really, really not good. Mum, ‘s not him-”

“YOU!” Jackie shrieked. “This your idea of a good time, then? Spyin’ and makin’ lewd suggestions to innocent young girls?”

The Doctor, as most people knew him, frowned and stepped outside, closing the door behind him. “What you on about then? Didn’t do anything, me.”

“Oh no? So that wasn’t you makin’ disgusting comments to my only daughter right in front of me?”

“Mum,” Rose tried again. “It was Jack. That was Jack’s voice. It was an American!”

“Don’t try and defend him Rose!” Jackie marched up to him and poked him in the chest. “I already know what kind of pervert he is! He made a pass at _me,_ remember!”

“Mum!”

“I did not!” the Doctor protested. “One minute I was setting up Rose’s fridge and the next minute you had me pinned to the counter with your…” He cleared his throat. “Chest.”

“Liar!”

“I am not! Didn’t lay a hand on anyone, me.” He folded his arms and raised an eyebrow. “ And if anyone was gropin’ behinds that day, it wasn’t me.”

Unable to help it, Rose snorted. 

Next moment, there was a resounding slap. “How bloody dare you!” Another slap. “First you make a pass at me, then you spy on my daughter and now you’re makin’ _insinuations!_ I won’t have you makin’ _insinuations!_ I’ll sue the backside off you first- we deserve compensation!”

“Oi! Stop slappin’ me!”

“Oh my God, mum, STOP IT!” Rose shouted, cursing the groceries she still clutched. “Stop it right now! He didn’t do anythin’!”

“Bollocks!” Jackie shrieked. “How can you defend him after what he just said?”

A throat cleared and a fourth person spoke in American tones.. “Ahem, sorry Mrs Tyler. That was me.”

Jackie spun round to glare at the newcomer. “What?”

“It was me,” Jack said sheepishly. “I was... joking with Rose. I thought you’d gone already and I thought I’d play a little trick on her.”

“You’re just coverin’ for this one!”

“I’m not! Honest.” Jack put a hand over his heart. “I’m telling you, honest to Betsy, it was me. And I was joking, honestly. I wasn’t making...lewd remarks.”

“Why should I believe you?” Jackie folded her arms. “For all I know, you’re takin’ the blame for Doctor Pervert over here.”

“Stop callin’ me that!” the Doctor growled. “Besides, I can prove it wasn’t me.”

“Oh, can you now?” Jackie scoffed.

“Yes, I can!” the Doctor snapped. “I was talking with Mr Wilson in the atrium until I heard the commotion out here. You can go in and ask him yourself, if you like.” He rolled his eyes. “Unless you’re going to go accusin’ that poor old bloke of bein’ part of some pervert conspiracy.”

Jackie narrowed her eyes. “You mean it? I can ask him?”

The Doctor unlocked the door and held it open. “Have at it, Jackie Tyler.”

Jackie cleared her throat. “No… no need, then. That sweet old man wouldn’t lift a finger to hurt anyone.”

“Nice to know you think _I_ would,” he muttered.

“What was that?”

“Nothin, nothin’,” he said hastily, seeing Rose’s warning look. “Nothing at all.”

Jackie narrowed her eyes. “Good, you keep it that way.” She spun round to face Jack. “An’ you!”

Jack gulped. 

“I should slap you, I should! Makin’ lewd suggestions like that!”

“Hope he’s wearin’ face protection,” the Doctor muttered. “‘M gonna bruise.”

“I...you’re absolutely right, Mrs Tyler.” Jack smiled his most charming smile. “It was out of line and rude. I apologise unreservedly, Rose.”

“‘S fine.” Rose rolled her eyes at his antics, knowing full well what he was about. “Forget it.”

“And I apologise to _you,_ Mrs Tyler, for forcing you to witness such lewd behaviour.”

“Well.” Jackie huffed. “Least you had the decency to apologise, I’ll give you that.”

“And I assure you it won’t happen again.” Jack sidled closer to Jackie. “I wish you’d let me make it up to you, Mrs Tyler.”

“How?” She looked at him suspiciously. 

“Can I offer you a cup of tea and some fresh cake?”

“Well, I dunno...”

“Oh please! Let me make it up to you. Besides, I’d love to get to know you.”

“Well, I ‘spose there’s no harm in it…

“Excellent! Come right this way, Mrs Tyler, come right this way.” He held out his arm. “Allow me to escort you to my humble abode.”

“You’re a cheeky devil, you are!”

“I can’t help it! You’re stunning, you know. It’s clear where Rose gets her beauty from.”

To Rose’s horror, Jackie giggled. “Oh, go on with you.”

“I mean it! I wish you’d let me paint you one day, Mrs Tyler.”

She giggled again, touching his shoulder. “Call me Jackie…”

Rose stared as the door closed behind them. “I can’t believe him! And her! After what he did!”

The Doctor sighed. “He’s a cheeky bugger, always charms his way out of it and leaves the rest of us to clean up his mess.”

Rose stepped closer, peering at his face. “While you copped two Jackie Tyler slaps. ‘M sorry.”

“I’ve had worse.” He snorted. “Tell you what though, thirty-eight years of life and that’s the first time I’ve been slapped by somebody’s mother.”

Peering around to make sure they were alone, she pressed a quick kiss to each cheek. “Hopefully it’ll be the last.”

“Hope so!” he cleared his throat, the tips of his ears suddenly red. “She’s got a blow that could land an elephant, your mother.”

Rose smiled. “She’s proud of it.”

“I can see that.” He shook his head. “She should register it as a weapon.”

“You’re not wrong.” She took his hand and pulled him towards the door. “Come on, we’d better get inside before my mother decides you’re out here defilin’ me or something.”

“Oi!” The tips of his ears grew redder.

Pulling him out of range of the doorbell camera, she smiled devilishly. “Probably best we don’t tell her yet, yeah?”

“You mean that we’ve been seein’ each other for past couple of weeks?” He snorted. “I reckon not. She won’t see whatever it is you see in me daft old face. _I_ don’t see it!”

Rose grinned. “I reckon she will, though. Seeing as how she tried to pull you my first week here.”

He cringed. “Don’t remind me. Still, s’pose we need to tell her soon.”

“Oh, we will. I know the perfect time, too.”

“Do you, now?” He raised an eyebrow.

Rose smiled, tongue touching her teeth. “Yep.”

His eyes lit with blue fire. “An’ when would that be?”

“Just before she leaves for her week in Surrey.”

He snorted. “Fantastic.”

_Fin_

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Come follow me at countessselena.tumblr.com


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